Destruction of myself

From my childhood I have an allergy. But just for a year or so I found out that I can not eat salty or sweet foods. I mean products with white salt and any kind of refined sugar. It makes me scratchy and my skin gets irritated. I did some personal experiments no doctor could tell this. The problem is that somehow, event when I know that I shouldn't I eat these kind of foods, I do.
It just so hard to stop myself.



I can not understand why I do it. I try to control myself and than fail. It is such a struggle and it makes me feel very tired and sad.



Today in the morning I was feeling happy and relaxed. But after work, when I came back home I felt that I am not feeling like it any more.


I decided to watch a movie. I found one on Netflix. Name of the movie is "To the bones". (After watching it only 5 min., I realized I need to write about my struggle with food and myself here, all movie is about it, but from different perspective)
Just before that I was looking for some snacks, I found some crispy bread. It was salty. I knew it. But I couldn't resist. I ate it. Almost all of it.
But... It's a strange thing that even while I was eating it I felt guilty, I was doing it for satisfaction. Instead I felt more and more miserable.

What is wrong with me? I am asking myself. Why I want to destroy myself and my happiness? I know that this food is not right for me, but still I put it in my mouth.

I do not know.

Anyway I need to stop! To stop doing anything that hurts me! Like Keanu Reeves said in this movie: "You have to say to that voice in your head -- Fuck of!"

So I try.

Movie is not the best, Keanu is acting a bit strange, the plot is a bit shallow, but I liked the main girl - actor Rebekah Kennedy. Movie reminds "Prozac Nation" but it is not so strong. And of course I cried through some parts...

"To the bones" or any other movie or a book can inspire to realize that we torture ourselves a lot. We need to care and love more or at least to have an intention for it.

Just to look for freedom can be a door to somewhere better.